Yes, I do miss you and what we had.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

So there was a guy that I used to love… well, actually, I still love him, but not in love with him.
Despite the distance between us (him in America and me in Australia), in my opinion, we managed a very close relationship ( : I openly admit that I still don’t know the details of his life very well but thinking back, I don’t think it quite mattered. It was just me, him, and the rest of the cyber-world and it was enough.
He made me feel like the luckiest girl alive and showered me with love that no one I have met in real life had done. He opened me up to a different world where it is acceptable to be clingy at times and to be openly affectionate (rather than keeping it locked away in a dusty old box with creaky hinges). Back then, & please excuse the cliché, he was my life, my soul, my heart. He was the one that I first thought of in the morning and my last thought at night. I would wish upon stars for his wellbeing, his happiness, and most of all, us. Yes, he was everything to me and I could not (& would not) imagine life without.
Unfortunately, as most relationships we experience as teenagers, it ended after a few happy months. I still think of him now and then and I don’t regret anything that had happened. Occasionally, when I feel completely & utterly hopeless and alone, I would even read back over the conversations that I had saved, just to relive the memory, relive the happiness and love.
Now he has his life and I have mine. We are not as close, nor do we talk as much, but as I said then: ‘you will always be a part of my life because you are a part of my memories’. I’m sure whoever he is with now would wholly agree with my views. He truly is one special guy (even though he would never ever admit it himself) and despite his background, he deserves the world. I hope he is happy with his current girlfriend (I know he is <3) and make her feel as special and loved as he made me feel.
Many friends of mine that I have shared this story with perceived the relationship as not ‘an actual relationship’. I don’t necessarily mind their accusations but I do beg to differ.
How would you define ‘an actual relationship’? The warm and fuzzy feeling of being loved and cared for? Seeing your beloved smile and laugh? The closeness?
We had all that and more. I saw him through his words and he saw me through mine. &there was always the endless supply of that warm and fuzzy sensation. In my perception, us humans undermine the power to language and words far to easily. It exceeds the face-to-face boundaries and into the unknown territory of imagination. Whoever that has been in my situation would understand that a cyber-relationship is very different to a ‘real’ one. It really felt then that he was with me… our love was as real and solid as if I could touch it with my hands. I would not be able to count how many ‘I love you’s he had said to me and how many I had returned (though I pretty sure that he said more than me <3). Perhaps to an outsider looking into the shadow of my life, it was just another ‘desperate’ teenage hormone-filled cyber relationship, but to me, it was real and the memories we had would live on forever in my dreams. For me, at least.



Dear Kurt,
If you’re reading this (&I hope you are), thank you for everything. I don’t think everything can even cover the world that you had opened up for me. You were more than just ‘some internet boyfriend’ <3 and I hope you truly know (and believe) that. As time goes by and life drifts on, I hope you live up to your dreams and expectations and reach for those newly-set goals ( : you will reach them, kaa, I know you will~
I just want to let you know that no matter what happens down the track, no matter how alone you feel, you would always have me.
I hope you will continue to be the same beautiful, sweet, stubborn guy that I fell in love with last year pre-xmas because it is who you are and don’t you dare let anybody change you. You’re perfect the way you are.
All the best with life, kaato.


Love always, Liddie.

Ps, don’t forget to sleep, eat, exercise~! After all, you did promise me remember? :3