Mish-mash~~

There is this amazing yet potentially devastating emotion. People claim to have felt it. Some embrace it with passion. Others put up barriers to protect themselves for the onslaught of consequences. It has an immense god-like power that can either fill you up with energy or leave you energy-less. It may cause crevasse-like wounds without even lifting a finger, without uttering a syllable. Although, when incorporated with an indefinite amount of time, it is able to reverse the effects and heal the injuries that it had a hand in creating. And this emotion is love.

Love, to me, is giving a specific person a loaded gun, aiming it at point-blank at my heart, safety latch off, and trusting that person will not pull the trigger. You might ask “have anyone pulled the trigger?” and I might answer “yes, more than once”. Do I regret handing over the gun in the first place? No, I don’t. The happy moments will always be locked away in my memory box, brought out occasionally to be reviewed. Each unhappy moment are not forgotten. They’re like scars, a part of me. Cutting them out of my life would be cutting off a piece of me.

Although I generally view love with an optimistic point of view, lately it has not been the case. Watching a friend’s break up gone ugly has made me doubt if all this pain is really worth it. Was all that time sitting alone in the dark, drowning yourself in tears, really worth the period of happiness, where you felt like the most beautiful girl alive and the world is bright and rainbow-colored. In relation to my own experiences, the period of happiness is always shorter than the period of hurt and pain. Perhaps it means that I’m cling to the past too much. Perhaps it means I have a terrible choice of guys. Perhaps it means absolutely nothing at all.

At the moment, there is one guy that I find myself thinking of more frequently than before. Random flashbacks of past events keep ‘popping’ up. I often catch myself thinking of the ‘what if’s and ‘what could have happened if’s… Do I love him? I don’t know. I truly have no clue. Plus, I have already pushed him away for …various reasons. Seems like to me that my heart (or mind) has put up a barrier between love and me. I cannot acknowledge whether I love him or not. All the pieces are in front of me but I’m unable to put them together.
On the contrary, if I do manage somehow to put them together, I know that the relationship would not last for long. Sure, a relationship needs two members (tick) and the attraction (tick), but to have common grounds is extremely vital too. Love itself does not need common grounds, however, a relationship does. What do we talk about? What to do about those awkward silences?
You can only survive on love for a definite period of time… A relationship requires more.

Did this make any sense? Just a bunch of random letters really. Ramblings. Mish-mash. Maybe it made some sense to some and completely none to others. (: doesn’t matter